deus_ex_phs | IC Inbox for Snowblind

Not really.

[And can Zack really say he's surprised? After the night they all had...]

I suppose I should be glad I didn't find anyone, but I can't stop thinking about what I wanted to do if I did.

[The admission is low, filled with a dull ache in his throat. That isn't who he is. He's meant to protect people, not hunt them down. Not unless they've made themselves a threat.]

Yeah. Yeah, it was... [ Zack takes a moment. Just a moment to pause and bite his lip perhaps a bit too hard. To let out a sudden exhale and shake his head. ]

Really messed up. And what's worse was it felt so right. It just got in your head like that and played you. So, it felt like you were just following along with what you thought was right.

[ Ravens had been terrible. But that loss of control had been different. Their minds had been warped completely much like the Genesis clones. This was different. This was powerful hallucinogenic influence enough to make you want it. To believe it in full. ]

[It doesn't take a lot to guess where Zack's thoughts are heading. Doesn't take much because Kunsel's own thoughts have been heading that way, too. His hand seeks out Zack's, gripping it tightly. Offering reassurance. Holding on like a lifeline. Hard to say which one it is.

Probably both.]

I never thought I could be turned so easily...

[Zack's the only one he could ever make that admission to. Could ever let him see Kunsel this unsure and vulnerable.]

[ He freezes briefly when he feels that hand take his own. But it's only momentarily and then he's squeezing back. Maybe a bit harder than usual. He still doesn't look at Kunsel. But then he doesn't have to to know the expression he's probably wearing right then. ]

You and me both there... We got too comfortable again though. Should'a known better with this town. [ Zell had lost control that moment and punched him in the gut that one time, after all. He hadn't meant to, but it had happened. It'd just been so long since then... The moment had slipped his mind. But shouldn't that have been a sign right there? ]

I went after Sora and two others before Ed trapped me in a closet. I didn't kill anyone, but... I sure as hell meant to.

Edited 2016-12-08 06:32 (UTC)

[Kunsel tries to quirk a smile, but it barely comes off as halfhearted.]

I hope you thank Ed for that sometime.

[Doesn't have to be now. Later is fine, hopefully after the horror's faded a bit.]

Who knew you could be taken down by a pipsqueak, though?

[He's trying, he really is, to fight this with humor, but it feels like he's scraping the bottom of the barrel. His heart just isn't in it.]

[ It's humor he'd usually appreciate. Humor he'd usually throw back with his own. But in that moment, it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right and he's not sure when it's gonna start feeling right. So, he just shakes his head, even as he leans his weight a little into Kunsel's side. ]

It's a good thing he could take me down. But he was scared as hell doing it.

[ He'll never tell that to Ed's face, but he was. SOLDIER doesn't mean monster. But it sure as hell feels like it does right now. ]

Can't say I blame him.

[Kunsel's terrified of the thought that he might someday have to fight his friends.

Especially if the one he's fighting is Zack.

Swallowing, he just sits there, just appreciating Zack's presence and weight. They're both reassuring that it hasn't gotten that bad yet.

Because he doesn't know what he'd do, doesn't want to think about it, if he or Zack were the one who went insane.]

[ He doesn't want to think about it either- think about pulling a knife on him. Him or Jim or Zell. Bad enough what already happened. Bad enough he's gotta wonder what Ed will think. What Sora will think, too. What will that girl do when he sees her again? Or that man he ran into. He doesn't know.

And he doesn't know if this won't happen again either.

Breathing out slowly, he shakes his head. ] We need a plan.

[Kunsel stirs, turning his head toward Zack, a question in the look he gives him.]

A plan?

In case this happens again.

[ Because maybe they're just all spooked from it and maybe it won't happen again, but like hell is he taking chances. Not when it involves the lives of other people. Real or not real, it doesn't shake the damage caused. And for all they know, next time, someone could really die by their hands. Zack finally looks Kunsel's way. ]

We should look through our packs. Keep something on us handy, so we can be restrained. Heh... too bad we don't have those hand cuffs anymore.

[ He has so many regrets that he left them with Beckett now. ]

[Kunsel frowns at the thought of being restrained, but it's not really a bad idea. At least, not in this case.]

Well, there's always the leashes we've picked up...

[He's half serious there.]

Only problem is, either we're left with someone unrestrained at the end, or we're all tied up and we can't escape after whatever's going on is down.

Yeah... That's true.

[ How would they get out of that? Unless they could manage to blockade someone in a room, unrestrained. Someone they could get to later when their thoughts have cleared up. But if they were able to get to them... then wouldn't they have enough free reign to escape, themselves? And what if they decided to work together with the other one and let them out? It would end with them all escaping and doing whatever to whoever again, wouldn't it?

Zack bows his head. ]

I'm just not sure what else to do, you know? I don't want it to happen again- to any of us. What if we ended up killing someone? Hell, what if Jim ended up killing someone? [ He, Kunsel, and Zell... They've taken lives before when they had to. But that had been part of their choice. Part of their line of work. Jim... How hard would Jim take it? He's already taken other things pretty hard there. ]

[Kunsel releases a breath slowly, bowing over as he scrubs a hand down his face. Jim... In a lot of ways, they've treated him as an adult, same as they were treated when they were sixteen, but it's things like this that remind him that Jim is still very much a kid in some ways. That he hasn't had to deal with some of the harsher things that they have, and that Kunsel wants to spare him from, if he can.]

If it's just one or two of us, that would be one thing. Your plan could still work out. But if it's all of us at once, I don't know how we can stop that.

[And last night just proved that they all could be affected the same way at the same time.]

Yeah... Yeah, you're right. We would need someone to be in control of themselves, at least one person. But we don't even have that. Of course, the worst case scenario... we tie down the other two. Don't make them suffer like we might have to.

[ The thought voiced aloud like that feels like a betrayal the moment it leaves his mouth though. It feels like he's back to square one and he doesn't want it to be that way. But he doesn't know what else to do. It's not as if Zell is incapable of moving forward. He's had his own demons to tackle. Seen to his own intensive training at a young age much like them. He's not as oblivious as he can sometimes come off. And Jim's.. He knows he told him he would put more trust in him. And he has to a point, he thinks. Isn't that breaking it again? He doesn't know, but...

This was also before they knew they'd be out to murder other people without control over their own thoughts and bodies. Zack hunches forward, brows furrowed as he covers his face. ]

I know they wouldn't agree to it. Hell, they'd both probably be mad as hell at me. But what else could we do?

[Kunsel's mouth twists into an unhappy expression. It doesn't sit right with him.]

Even if they don't agree, I don't think this is a decision we should just make over their heads. We're a team, and they're not kids. Same as us when we were that age.

[Maybe their circumstances aren't exactly the same, especially in Jim's case, but can they really afford not to treat them the same?]

[ He knows Kunsel's right. He knows the moment he makes the suggestion. But he... He can't quite let it go. ]

I know they're not kids, Kuns, but this is different. We're talking about cold-blooded murder. Getting tricked into it. How do you think they'd both take it?

[ He asks, but it's rhetorical at best. They both know how well they would take it. And it would be nothing good. Zack.. leans into himself, stuffing his face against his knee. Rubbing his forehead against it in frustration. ]

I love 'em too much to put 'em through that, you know? I'd rather they be mad at me if it meant they didn't have that blood on their hands.

[ It just makes him think of Al... Of how much it screwed up Al. No... No, he doesn't want the same for them. Not if it can be helped. ]

[Kunsel's voice softens. He knows exactly what Zack means. Knows, and feels the same way, too, even if he's arguing against it. He wants nothing more than to protect the others from what Norfinbury's trying to do to them.

But it's because of what Norfinbury is trying to do that he has to disagree.]

Zack, they're already having their free will stolen too often here. Bad enough for the town to do it. Their best friends, the people they should trust the most, who should trust them the most, shouldn't do it, too.

Edited 2016-12-28 14:50 (UTC)

[ Those words sting like a slap in the face the moment they hit. Enough that Zack visibly winces before finally raising his head. He watches Kunsel for a little bit. Then glimpses off to the side with a hardened expression. ]

You're right. I know you're right. I just.. don't know what else to do for them, you know? I wanna trust them and I wanna show them I trust 'em.

But then things like this happen and it feels like... Like by not doing something, I'm failing them. But by doing something like that, then yeah. I would be betraying that.

[ He runs his hand through his hair, grumbling almost more to himself. ] It's like some stupid vicious cycle I got myself in and I guess the only one that can get me outta it is me.

If it makes you feel any better, at least you're not alone feeling like that.

[Still leaning against Zack, Kunsel nudges his side. There's not a whole lot that he can do either, for the boys or for Zack himself, but companionship, commiseration, and understanding...

Sometimes, those go a long way.]

Let's talk to them about it in the morning. Who knows? Maybe they'll have an idea.

[ The nudge at least gets him to raise his head though the first comment just... Zack bites his lip. He eventually settles with a sigh as he goes to maybe too carefully loop an arm around his friend finally. ]

Yeah... Yeah, I guess we should.

[ It would only be right anyway, wouldn't it. He just hopes something... something comes out of things in the morning. ]

Edited 2016-12-29 16:51 (UTC)

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